(Music from the movie, Titanic, is played.)
THE PRESIDENT: Haunting, isn't it? (Laughter.) You know, usually, I go for Hail To The Chief -- (laughter) -- but this week I can't seem to get that song out of my head. (Laughter.)
Good evening, President Nolan. Senator McCain, members of Congress,
members of the Radio and Television Correspondents Association,
distinguished journalists, Mr. DiCaprio. (Laughter and applause.)
Now, ABC doesn't know whether Leo and I had an interview, a walk-through,
or a drive-by. (Laughter.) But I don't know if all their damage
control is worth the effort. I mean, it's a little bit like rearranging
the deck chairs on the set of This Week with Sam and Cokie. (Laughter.)
Don't you news people ever learn? It isn't the mistake that kills
you, it's the cover-up. (Laughter and applause.)
Now, look, I want to say right now, I have nothing against ABC.
I like ABC just as much as I like all the other networks. (Laughter.)
Just the other day, for example, Diane Sawyer came to the White
House for an interview -- actually, she called it a "visit."
(Laughter.) And everything was fine until she asked me to do some
crayon pictures in the Oval Office. (Laughter.) That was weird.
But I just want to say this to David Westin. You know, I've been
in a lot of tough spots. Don't let this get you down. (Laughter.)
You may not be America's news leader, but you're "King of
the World." (Laughter and applause.)
Wait a minute, before I go any further, I want to welcome the
really funny person who is here tonight, the man who impersonates
me every week on Saturday Night Live, Mr. Darrell Hammond. (Applause.)
And, Darrell, I want you to know I used to think you were really
funny. But not so much anymore. I think it's Clinton fatigue.
(Laughter.)
Poor Darrell, what's he going to do when I leave office? (Laughter.)
Come to think of it, what am I going to do? (Laughter.)
I know that you've heard me say I hope to join the Senate Spouses
Club. But I've been thinking, I don't really want to be a member
of the Senate Spouses Club. I want to be President of the Senate
Spouses Club. (Laughter.)
You know what the big, hot issue on Capitol Hill is today -- the
majority party, otherwise known as the Republicans, are raising
a ruckus about this Census long form. They say these questions
are too intrusive. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective. (Laughter
and applause.) Depends on whether you're the asker or the answerer.
(Laughter.) But I'd be pretty hard-pressed to call these questions
intrusive. You should look at the questionnaire those guys sent
me. (Laughter.) Maybe again, I don't think you should. (Laughter.)
You know what question really upsets the Republicans on the Census
form? Question 19 -- "Are you better off today than you were
at the last Census?" (Laughter.) I mean, even a presidential
candidate has made this an issue. Just the other day he said he
might leave his own Census form blank. Hmmm -- a blank Census
form? An adult literacy program? It's starting to add up. (Laughter.)
Sounds like a cry for help to me. (Laughter.) Governor Bush even
refused to state his date of birth -- on the grounds that it happened
more than 25 years ago. (Laughter and applause.)
But he's not the only person who's uptight about this long form.
Let me just read you some of the questions that other prominent
public officials refused to answer. For example, except for Senator
McCain, the entire Republican caucus refused to answer this one:
"Have you recently changed your policy on interracial dating?"
(Laughter.) "If so, do you know for sure your date is not
a Catholic?" (Laughter.) "Regardless, please attach
parental approval slip."
Here's the second one. "What is the deal with your hair?"
(Laughter.) Trent Lott refused to answer that. (Laughter.) Then
again, so did Hillary. (Laughter.) Wait a minute. How about this
one. I thought this was important -- "Do you work and play
well with others?" (Laughter.) Mayor Giuliani had no comment.
(Laughter.) There's a first time for everything. (Laughter.)
But, look, I know the question that's on everyone's mind today
-- this custody battle involving the Gonzalez family and the United
States and Cuba. And I know the new hot issue is about my difference
of opinion with Vice President Gore. But with all respect, you
news people have missed the real story here, and there is a real
story. We have finally found the one immigrant Pat Buchanan wants
to keep in America. (Laughter and applause.)
Look, it's no secret, Presidents and Vice Presidents have always
disagreed. So it's time to set the record straight on the whole
range of issues where the Vice President and I differ. For example,
in June he will reveal his plan to relocate the United Nations
Headquarters in Nashville. (Laughter.) A bold, new idea. But I
don't agree with it. Indeed, I'm growing more partial to New York
every day.
When it comes to campaign finance, we differ. In our beverage
of choice, I drink coffee, he drinks ice tea. However, if I'd
known back then about the ice tea defense, I'd have drunk tea,
too. (Laughter.)
In the days before the Democratic Convention, Al will publicly
announce another longstanding disagreement we've had -- we've
kept it under wraps for over seven years now. It involves our
weekly White House lunches. He strongly believes it is rude for
one person to eat off another person's plate. (Laughter.) Me --
I think it's a sign of friendship and familiarity. (Laughter.)
On technology issues, God bless him, Al invented e-mail. Me --
I just can't find them. (Laughter and applause.) Everybody now
knows the Vice President prefers earth-tone; all you see me in
is primary colors. (Laughter.) We both share an abiding interest
in Buddhism. (Laughter.) But when I visited the Buddhists in India,
it cost the taxpayers millions. When Al meets with Buddhists,
he turns a tidy profit. (Laughter.)
Now, our differences notwithstanding, I am a strong supporter
of the Vice President. But beyond that, I'm not going to comment.
After all, I'm not running for anything. For the first time in
more than 20 years, my name is not on the ballot; this election
is not about me. And, hey, I'm okay with that. (Laughter.) Suits
me just fine. It's all of you in the media who keep trying to
drag me into this thing. I mean, I don't see how it involves me
at all -- I'm the Commander in Chief, I've got a lot of
responsibilities. Even if I were inclined to impose myself, which
I'm not, I wouldn't have time. Except for last weekend, when I
did find just a few hours to produce a few campaign ads for Al.
I'd like you to take a look at them and tell me what you think.
(Ad is shown with the President speaking.) "This November,
Americans face the future. The stakes are high and the choice
is clear. One candidate has worked for eight years with Bill Clinton.
He's considered by Bill Clinton to be a close, personal friend,
helping make his toughest decisions, a partner in progress as
Bill Clinton moves America forward.
The other candidate has never worked a day with Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton hardly even knows the guy, and when Bill Clinton
first ran for President, he voted against Bill Clinton. Al Gore
-- he's Bill Clinton's choice. Shouldn't he be yours?" (Applause.)
"When Bill Clinton chose Al Gore as his running mate, the
conventional wisdom called it a mistake. They said Gore was too
much like Clinton. Too much like Clinton? Too visionary? Too strong?
With a plan that would bring America too much prosperity, and
the world too much peace Bill Clinton stood up to the pundits
and starred down the pollsters. Choosing Al Gore was one of his
very best decisions. And doesn't that tell you a lot about Bill
Clinton? Al Gore -- too much like Clinton? Good for him; good
for us." (Applause.)
"As America's greatest Vice President, Al Gore has been a
voice for our values, a fighter for our families. More than that,
a strong partner to Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton, a small-town boy
from Arkansas who dared to dream big dreams. Young Bill worked
hard and played by the rules. He went on to lead his country and
build a bridge to the 21st century. Most important, Bill Clinton
created AmeriCorps. Bill Clinton still believes in the promise
of America -- and he still believes in a place called Hope. Al
Gore -- because there's a 22nd Amendment." (Applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: Unfortunately, all these ads would be illegal under
the Vice President's campaign finance proposal. (Laughter.) Not
because they're unethical, certainly not because they're untrue.
Because they're just dumb. (Laughter.)
Of course, in America, each of us has the constitutional right
to silly or dumb speech. I have certainly asserted my right here
tonight. But I think we should take another moment to honor that
essential freedom, to recognize that vital principle, by asking
the members of the McLaughlin Group to stand. (Laughter.)
Let me say to all of you, I really am okay most days about not
being President next year. And it will be nice for all of you
to have someone else to chew on. But I have loved coming to this
dinner, and I have been privileged to come every year but one
that I have been here. I have enjoyed all my interactions with
you, the battles, the agreements, the disagreements, the robing,
the jabbing, even the occasional bloodshed. And, believe it or
not, I appreciate the efforts you make to bring Washington's world
to the world beyond Washington. I know it's important; I know
it's difficult.
I've tried to keep you entertained, and I've tried to keep you
involved. (Laughter.) And I hope you've at least had some pretty
good, substantive things to write about for the last seven-plus
years. But for all you have done, and especially once a year for
giving me, and indeed all of us, the chance to have a good laugh,
I thank you very, very much. (Applause.)
END 10:00 P.M. EDT