Washington, D.C.10:06 P.M.
EDT THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen; President
Page; President-elect Dillon; distinguished guests. I am really
happy to be here. Happy to be reunited at long last with the White
House Press Corps. (Laughter.) If I may, let me direct your attention
to a photograph. (Laughter.) Taken just moments ago, it proves
beyond a doubt that I am indeed happy to be here. (Laughter.)
Now, wait a minute. It seems that my hair in that photo -- (laughter)
-- is a little longer than it is tonight. (Applause.) So maybe
I am happy to be here and maybe I'm not. Feel free to speculate.
(Laughter.) Admittedly, looks and photos can be deceiving. Now,
look at this photo. It's a recent one of the Vice-President applauding
one of my policy initiatives. (Laughter.) But look a little closer.
Those are not his real hands. (Laughter.)
Now, this photo. (Laughter.) It made all the papers, but I have
to tell you something. I am almost certain this is not the real
Easter Bunny. (Laughter.) The next one is my favorite. I really
like it. Let's see the next photo. (Laughter and applause.) Isn't
it grand? (Laughter.) I thought it was too good to be true. But
there is one thing beyond dispute tonight. This is really me.
I am really here. And the record on that count is clear, in good
days and bad, in times of great confidence or great controversy,
I have actually shown up here for eight straight years. (Applause.)
Looking back, that was probably a mistake. (Laughter.) In just
eight years, I've given you enough material for 20 years. (Laughter.)
This is a special night for me for a lot of reasons. Jay Leno
is here. (Applause.) Now, no matter how mean he is to me, I just
love this guy. (Laughter.) Because, together, together, we give
hope to grey-haired, chunky baby boomers everywhere. (Laughter
and applause.)
Tonight marks the end of an era -- the after-dinner party hosted
by Vanity Fair. (Laughter.) As you may have heard, it's been cancelled.
Every year, for eight years, the Vanity Fair party became more
and more and more exclusive. So tonight, it has arrived at its
inevitable conclusion: This year, no one made the guest list.
(Laughter.) Actually, I hear the Bloomberg party will be even
harder to get into than the Vanity Fair party was. But I'm not
worried, I'm going with Janet Reno. (Laughter and applause.)
Now, the Bloomberg party is also a cast party for the stars of
"The West Wing", who are celebrating the end of their
first season. You'll have to forgive me if I'm not as excited
as everyone else is at the thought of a West Wing finale party.
But I've got to give them credit; their first season got a lot
better ratings than mine did -- (laughter) -- not to mention the
reviews. The critics just hated my travel office episode. (Laughter
and applause.) And that David Gergen cameo fell completely flat.
(Laughter.)
Speaking of real-life drama, I'm so glad that Senator McCain is
back tonight; I welcome him, especially. (Applause.) As you all
know, he just made a difficult journey back to a place where he
endured unspeakable abuse at the hands of his oppressors -- the
Senate Republican Caucus. (Laughter.)
I am glad to see that Senator McCain and Governor Bush are talking
about healing their rift. Actually, they're thinking about talking
about healing their rift. And you know, I would really like to
help them. I mean, I've got a lot of experience repairing the
breach. I've worked with Catholics and Protestants in Northern
Ireland, I've worked with Israelis and Palestinians, with Joe
Lockhart and David Westin. (Laughter.) But the differences between
Bush and McCain may be just too vast. I mean, McCain
as Bush's running mate? Hasn't the man suffered enough? (Laughter
and applause.)
George W. Bush has got a brand-spanking-new campaign strategy.
He's moving toward the political center, distancing himself from
his own party, stealing ideas from the other party. I'm so glad
Dick Morris has finally found work again. (Laughter and applause.)
You know, the clock is running down on the Republicans in Congress,
too. I feel for them. I do. They've only got seven more months
to investigate me. (Laughter.) That's a lot of pressure. So little
time, so many unanswered questions. (Laughter and applause.) For
example, over the last few months I've lost 10 pounds. Where did
they go? (Laughter.) Why haven't I produced them to the Independent
Counsel? How did some of them manage to wind up on Tim Russert?
(Laughter and applause.)
Now, some of you might think I've been busy writing my memoirs.
I'm not concerned about my memoirs, I'm concerned about my resume.
Here's what I've got so far. Career objective: To stay President.
(Laughter.) But being realistic, I would consider an executive
position with another country. (Laughter.) Of course, I would
prefer to stay within the G-8. (Laughter.) I'm working hard on
this resume deal. I've been getting a lot of tips on how to write
it, mostly from my staff. They really seem to be up on this stuff.
(Laughter.)
They tell me I have to use the active voice for the resume. You
know, things like "Commanded U.S. Armed Forces," "Ordered
air strikes," "Served three terms as President."
Everybody embellishes a little. (Laughter.) Designed, built, and
painted Bridge to 21st Century. (Laughter and applause.) Supervised
Vice-President's invention of the Internet. (Laughter and applause.)
Generated, attracted, heightened and maintained controversy. (Laughter.)
Now, I know lately I haven't done a very good job at creating
controversy, and I'm sorry for that. You all have so much less
to report. I guess that's why you're covering and commenting on
my mood -- my quiet, contemplative moments; my feelings during
these final months in office. (Laughter.) In that case, you might
be interested to know that a film crew has been following me around
the White House, documenting my remaining time there.
This is a strange time in the life of any administration, but
I think this short film will show that I have come to terms with
it. Can we see the film?
(Film is shown.) (Applause.)
You like me. You really like me. (Laughter.) Now, you know, I
may complain about coming here. But a year from now, I'll have
to watch someone else give this speech. And I will feel an onset
of that rare affliction, unique to former presidents. AGDD --
Attention-Getting Deficit Disorder. (Laughter.) Plus, which I'll
really be burned up when Al Gore turns out to be funnier than
me. (Laughter and applause.)
But let me say to all of you, I have loved these eight years.
You know, I read in the history books how other presidents say
the White House is like a penitentiary and every motive they have
is suspect; even George Washington complained he was treated like
a common thief, and they all say they can't wait to get away.
I don't know what the heck they're talking about. (Laughter.)
I've had a wonderful time. It's been an honor to serve and fun
to laugh. I only wish that we had even laughed more these last
eight years. Because power is not the most important thing in
life, and it only counts for what you use it. I thank you for
what you do every day, thank you for all the fun times that Hillary
and I have had. Keep at it. It's a great country, it deserves
our best. Thank you and God bless you. (Applause.)
END 10:20 P.M. EDT