Blueprints for the Inevitable

Toppings Tyrant

Tyson vs. Katz

I Am The World

Direct Mayle

April Fool's Day

CNN's Next Years News

You Won't Have Nixon to Lick Around Anymore

The Lost Federalist Paper

Post Card from Utah


Does a recent television commercial for a national pizza chain featuring a Hillary Clinton lookalike running for a New York Senate seat require that her likely opponent be given equal time, as stipulated by the Federal Election Commission?


Hey, New Yorkers know what they like -- especially when it comes to pizza. And when it comes to selecting their favorite toppings, well forgetaboutit!

You name it. Sausage. Peppers. Onions. Garlic. Peppers. Tomatoes.


I like anchovies and mushrooms!


Sure, on the Pizza Shack New York-style pizza, you can choose any combination at all. Like eggplant and artichokes!


Artichokes! On pizza? That's disgusting!


Well, as they say, to each his own. On the Pizza Shack New Yorker style pizza, you choose ---


Hold on. You're serious. Artichokes on pizza?


Well, yes.



I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by as you desecrate a pizza with artichokes and eggplants. And if Pizza Shack says differently, they can explain it to the City Health Code Inspectors who will be arriving at every one of your restaurants in about an hour.

ANNCR: [stunned silence]


What’s more, I'll see to it that any tax incentives your company got to remain in the city are revoked. I don't see any reason why New York taxpayers should subsidize disgusting toppings like artichokes!!


Well, we at Pizza Shack happen to believe that ---


Save it for your opening arguments, counselor!


But I like artichokes on my pizza!


Hey lady, how would you like a nice, scalding hot pizza in your face?


Pizza Shack's New York-style pizza with anchovies and mushrooms. If you like artichokes, move to Jersey!

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The Next Nobody

Tonight, while 99.9% of American sports fan watch Game One of baseball’s World Series, Mike Tyson will once again step into a boxing ring for his latest in an endless series of comebacks. This time his a fighting some guy named Dan Goosem. Ever heard of him? Me neither.

Of course, this is not the first time Iron Mike has attempted to return to boxing center ring by scheduling bouts with opponents unqualified and/or unknown. In his most recent match the former champion was reduced to fighting some guy named Francois. And in one of his rare recent bouts with a worthy opponent, he supplemented his barbaric rage with latent cannibalistic instincts to a decidedly negative reaction. In his struggle for redemption, Tyson has fought the likes of Peter McNeely and Buster Mathis Jr., no-name boxers so obviously overmatched they must have silently asked themselves the question former Reform Party Vice Presidential candidate Admiral James Stockdale once made famous: "Who am I?" Why am I here?"

Nevertheless, it’s hard to dispute a sound strategy and business plan. Tyson has figured out a way to earn quick, easy money while unranked unknowns are paid handsomely to try to fight him back. Thirty nine brutal seconds later, both Mathis and McNeely earned millions. Even if Goosem manages to go longer, it will be time well spent given the money he’ll earn.

That’s why today I’m issuing this challenge: I will fight Mike Tyson -- anytime, anywhere -- for a similar compensation package.

Who am I? Nobody. That's the point. I'm a nobody who'll be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to step into the ring with Mike Tyson. The longest of longshots with nothing but a slouched, anemic build and a dream. A "Rocky" without the rock-hard build. Call me "Paunchy," perhaps. Boxing promoters have certainly hawked fights with much less compelling storylines.

So in addition to undertaking a training regiment that consists of fat-free Oreos and vigorous isometrics, I've also taken the liberty of writing a promo to hype the bout.

They call it a "laugher." The experts say the kid doesn't have a chance. Shouldn't even try. But on December 11th, a guy so unknown we won't even bother telling you his name will step between Iron Mike Tyson and his comeback dream. It's the boxing event that Amnesty International has repeatedly denounced. Live from Las Vegas on pay-per-view. Tyson versus Katz. We'll see who laughs last!

Like those others before me, I obviously have no business being in the same ring as Mike Tyson. But for boxing fans worried that this bout will be another thirty-nine second fiasco, stop worrying. I have something those other patsies did not. I have fear. The will to live. The mental acuity to assess a life-threatening situation and respond accordingly. I was blessed with a highly-developed fight-or-flight reflex that leans decidedly towards flight. I can beg for mercy longer than those clowns could beg for punishment.

More than that, I will happily do all that is asked of me. I will exchange angry stares with Tyson at the press conference and talk a good game before the fight. I will talk trash and spew bravado. I've already jotted down a few lines:

"I ain't gonna be Mike Tyson's punching bag. Punching bags don't scream like hell when you hit them."

"Before we fight, I would try to reason with Michael. Violence never solved anything."

"When Mike Tyson says his strategy is ‘to simply kill’ me, I wonder if he knows he's split an infinitive?"

Once this fight is over, if America does not see the urgency of real health care reform, I don’t know what will."

But most importantly, what I do share with boxing chumps is an affinity for large sums of money. And for a million dollar payday, I will also place my sense of self-worth in a blind trust and subject myself to a public pummeling. Heck, for that kind of money, I might be talked into chewing my own ear off. Of course, my compensation package would have to include more post-bout health benefits.

Let’s get ready to rumble!


The Tale Of The Tape



"Iron" Mike Tyson

Mark Katz





235 lbs.

153 lbs.





filled with rage




16"(16 1/2 in certain brands)




glove size:



recent bouts:

Francois Botha(5th round KO)

A coat check girl with abad attitude.(Draw)


Black with red trim

Whatever's clean


36-2, 19 KO's

2-2-1 (including moral victories)

Federalist No. 86

Man-Woman Relations and Other Amorous Pursuits in a Democratic Republic

To the People of the State of New York:

AS we reach the conclusion of this serialized discourse inculcating the virtues of the proposed Constitution, I pause to offer this epilogue considering the delicate matter of man-woman relations. To state it directly: the proposed Constitution would serve to promote the FRequent cavorting of naked people and other agreeable encounters and establish a nation more conducive to the practice of sweet SPIRITED love the world has ever known.

Of what value the previous eighty-five essays if the advantages of this Constitution were not made clear with regard to the realm of INTIMATE MINISTRATIONS between persons rendering heedless enthusiasms upon the other? Of what practical benefit is the license of liberty if only imagined in the mind, imbued in the heart but manifested nowhere upon the flesh? If this were the case, the newly-minted American man, lustful for liberty and virile with optimism, might well inquire of himself, "for this I left England?"

It has been well-remarked that the investiture of power upon a man is the ultimate APHRODISIAC upon a woman; and subsequently noted that the investiture of absolute power upon a man is the absolute ultimate APHRODISIAC upon a woman. But what becomes of the power to allure under a government that is the enemy of absolute power? That frequent man-woman CONJOINMENTS among our citizenry are essential for the continued well-being of this republic is self-evident. It serves to replenish its supply of citizens, heighten morale among the populace and provide powerful incentive towards improved public hygiene. The question before us is how shall the natural urges to relate mutually with DENUDED Persons of opposite gender be duly incorporated into a system of representative democracy?

One of the particular genius of this proposed constitution is that it harnesses the human horsepower of natural urges to maintain a system of checks and balances that prevents against the permanent usurpation of power. Consider this: knowing that to lose power in favor of a competing branch of government, would not any man guard that power more jealously? For the impact of which would be felt not just in the halls of government where power is exercised but in the taverns and social settings where that power is best enjoyed?

The day may come that descendent Americans may search the archives of these papers for guidance on the intent and opinions of the framers of their government on the many issues that may arise including these matters of intimate relations. Consider well these words culled accumulated wisdom and experience:

  • It is highly recommended that following an initial occurrence of achieving oneness with another to dispatch an aromatic gift of floral arrangements, preferably roses red in color. Absent that, candies such as chocolate squares, fruit confections or licorice snaps may also suffice as tokens of affection.
  • The fairer sex is amenable to flattering words remarking upon the specific features of her beauty, i.e. eyes, hair, skin, teeth and posture. Furthermore, the generous inbibement of wines, ales, and other distilled spirits are similarly useful in the purpose of amorous pursuits.
  • In the execution thereof, bed linens made of imported satins or silk weave are preferable to those constructed of indigenous cotton, wool or burlap.

So concludes, my fellow citizens, this final discourse on the topic of constitution and its conducive effects on interpersonal intimacies. If there are supplemental particulars you wish to inquire with regard to these matters, go ask your Founding Mother.


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Post Card from Utah

Somehow, I've gotten into the habit of selecting adventures out of catalogs. As my married friends produce more and more babies each spring, I respond by signing up for another action/adventure vacation that summer. This summer’s adventure found me on the uncompromising saddle of a rented bicycle pedaling the interstates of Arizona and Utah -- one in posse of thirtysomething singles signed up for a tour of the Grand Canyon, Bryce and Zion National Parks.

And the dramatic expanse of the southwest is a particularly daunting trail for one whose Ponderosa is Central Park. For over a week, our group pedaled from canyon to canyon, sleeping in tents each night and riding again the next. Intermittent "days off" from cycling are filled with long hikes through steep terrain. Today's bike route is the grand finale, a 120-mile, 13-hour odyssey from the Grand Canyon to Zion that manages to hit the thirty mile stretch of desert right at mid-day. Cycling psychos call 100 mile days "century rides" and this will be my first of the current millennium. With each new day, I redefine my limits, smashing personal records for distance set only the day before. As I climb the first hill of the day, my aching legs shoot off urgent neuro-telegrams to my brain imploring this ride to cease and desist. With 119 miles still to go, I am a man in way over his helmet.

For a moment I considered setting a more realistic goal, such as jumping near-by Snake River Canyon in a rocket-powered motorcycle. Nevertheless, I rode all morning on emergency-tank strength and had completed 30 miles when I hit a 20-mile stretch of desert at mid-day. In the desert, I endured 2 (TWO) flat tires, a stiff headwind and a long 2% incline invisible to the eye but obvious to the legs. After my second flat, my good buddy Rich pretended not to hear my cries for help and left me in the desert to die. He might have succeeded if not for my much stronger-than-average will to live. I completed the last 10 miles of the desert alone and near-tears, fighting aches, bruises and burning sensations, and propelled by the promise I made to myself that I would get off the bicycle at the rest stop at the end of the desert. Upon arrival, I threw my bike down and dove helmet-first into the van, screaming guttural noises and other incoherencies. Throughout the trip, the leaders urged that "there is no shame in taking the van." But by the end of the day, everyone (but me) agreed there is shame in flagging down passing cars, borrowing their cell phone and calling your Mommy.

Let’s just say that my trip across the desert was an epic struggle of man against nature and, that day, nature won. However, only a day and a half later, I crossed that desert again, this time without incident and in record time to settle the score: Desert 1, Katz 1. There ain't gonna be no rematch.

By sunset, the entire group assembles for dinner cook-outs and the start of an evening that feels like summer camp with wine instead of wedgies. Around the campfire, we exchange personal histories and dating anecdotes. With each day, the details have become more intimate. You'd be amazed what a person might tell you before you come to know their last name.

Despite the persistent theme of relationships and the near equal mix of men and women, most of the trip's heavy breathing seems to occur on the road's long uphill stretches. But the undercurrent of sex is best evidenced by the fact that seven days into the trip, I have yet to see one guy giving a backrub to another.

By eight o'clock in the evening, our team of stragglers arrives at Zion and takes an exhiliarating victory ride through it's otherwordly landscape down the corkscrew road to the bottom. At camp, we are greeted with a raucus, joyous group hug. With the trip's final challenge complete, I prepare to return to my apartment anxious to see what other adventure catalogs have accumulated in my mailbox. Right now, I think I could use a rest. Perhaps I'll sign up for a casual, relaxed week in Lands' End, Wisconsin.

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You Won't Have Dick Nixon to Lick Around Anymore


"I am not a stamp."

"None of us are crooks."


Nixon goes to China

"64 cents? We could get that.
We could get that.
It would be wrong!
But we could get it."

Nixon meets Elvis


"You won't have Nixon to lick around anymore."

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My heart grieves for the people of Israel. The world has suffered a great loss. We must now work even harder to embrace [Rabin's] legacy and to create a future where the forces of peace and co-existence overpower the cries of extremism.... --press release of Barbra Streisand on the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin, as quoted in the New York Post



Ms. Streisand has expressed the deep sorrow of people and entertainers everywhere. As the featured actor of the most widely watched television show in the world (and a wildly popular European recording artist) I share Ms. Streisand's weltanschauung and applaud her compelling call for unity.

Mazel tov, haver -- Congratulations, friend!


The signing of the Dayton Peace Plan brings a fragile peace to Bosnia {bahz'-nee-uh} - Herzegovina {hur-tsuh-goh-vee'-nuh}.

Peace in Bosnia -- whose native author Ivo Andric won the 1961 Nobel Prize for his novel The Bridge on the Drina -- will be difficult to enforce. But it validates the diplomacy backed by force engineered by the U.S. and NATO. NATO -- an acronym for this name, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization -- was established in 1949.

If this blueprint for multi-ethnic democracy can be built, "Bosnia" need no longer be the correct answer to the question:

"What is 'quagmire'?"


Got up at eight and read the paper over breakfast. Right there on the business page is great news: housing starts are up for the third time in the last fiscal year!

I ask you, what else do you need to know about current consumer confidence? Thanks to the prudent monetary policy of the Federal Reserve, we're keeping inflation under control at the same time we are steadily, if slowly, expanding the economy.

Way to go, boys!


I am outraged by Congress' plan to raise Medicare Part B premiums and balance the budget on the backs of America's senior citizens. And for you seniors worried about how to pay for your doctor bills, I'd like to tell you about National Guardian Health. If you are over the age of sixty, National Guardian Health has a plan for you! You cannot be turned down and the premiums are guaranteed not to increase -- ever! So call the number at the top of this press release and find out if National Guardian Health is for you. CALL NOW! [Mr. McMahon is a compensated endorser.]


To offer myself as a candidate for president requires a commitment to run the race with the kind of passion I felt every day of my 35 years as an actor. Because running for office requires a calling that I do not yet hear, I cannot go forward.

Instead, I have signed to play the part of Idi Amin in the upcoming HBO movie, "Uganda, Uganda."



On a recent flight back from top secret negotiations with Syrian president Hafez al-Assad (oops!), I had the opportunity to view the remake of the treasured romantic comedy "Sabrina." (Paramount PG-13).

Oscar-winning director Sydney Pollack updates Billy Wilder's 1954 classic at his own peril. (Remember Love Affair? ) Humphrey Bogart's and William Holden's original portrayal of affluent brothers competing for the affections of a working-class beauty still sizzles. These roles are ably revised by veteran Harrison Ford and novice Greg Kinnear. But any film that replaces Audrey Hepburn (Be still my heart!) with Julia Ormond (Are we there yet?) strikes me as ill-considered.

That being said, my response to this new version is measured with cautious optimism. Mr. Pollack's effort is an important first step in the process of reinvigorating the romantic comedy genre of Hollywood's "Golden Age." Moreover, its message that love transcends socio-economic barriers reaffirms U.S. values around the world.

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Direct Mayle

Dear Fellow Comedy Professional:

No doubt by now you’ve heard the exciting news: former Vice President Dan Quayle has formally announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Yet according to constitutional scholars, before Dan Quayle could be sworn in as president, he must first complete his Electoral High School Equivalency Degree.

See how easy?

That is why I write to you today. Never has a single group of professionals had so much at stake in a national election since George W. and Jeb threw their support behind the 1988 Bush campaign.

In the years since we organized in 1951 following the infamous Ernie Kovac’s writers’ lockout, ComedyPAC has endorsed presidential candidates based upon their potential to generate humor and ridicule. With your effort, we helped elect Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, and remain proud of our support for the failed candidacies of Barry Goldwater, Michael Dukakis, Gerald Ford and Ross Perot. (Historical note: our committee was deadlocked in the elections of 1952 and 1956 because both candidates were bald and had funny-sounding names).

But this week our committee unanimously and enthusiastically voted to endorse former Vice President Quayle. According to our research department, in just four years as Vice President, Dan Quayle generated more than 23,000 jokes, smashing by threefold the previous record set by Spiro T. Agnew. I don’t have to tell you that these jokes create the jobs that put the nuveau cuisine on our tables.

Imagine the endless comic possibilities of President Quayle:

  • Executive orders signed in crayon.
  • An art shack at Camp David.
  • White House Easter Egg hunts that don’t end until August.
  • A best-selling book entitled "The Idiot’s Guide to Being the Leader of the Free World."

And that’s just off the top of my head!

Because the Quayle candidacy presents such extraordinary opportunities to our profession, now is the time to take extraordinary efforts on its behalf.

What can a comedy writer like you do the help make real our shared dream of President J. Danforth Quayle?

Money. The Executive Committee of ComedyPAC has authorized a check to the Quayle for President Campaign for $1000, the maximum amount allowed by law. But we’ve recently hired fundraising consultant John Huang to find ways to augment our contribution. In addition, you can contribute as an individual. For the cost of one latte a day -- or ten office Nerf basketball sets a year — a sole comedy writer can contribute the maximum individual amount as well.

Time. Volunteer at the local Quayle campaign office. Every campaign needs help and this one needs more than most. Offer to run computer spell checks on campaign speeches, press releases and fundraising letters before a miscue makes the evening news.

Talent. Use your comedy skills to write charming self-deprecating humor for candidate Quayle to use in speeches and debates.


  • You don’t have to be the sharpest knife in the drawer to know we need to cut our trade deficit to below 10% if we are to compete in the world economy.
  • Following my speech there will be a brief Q&A, during which I will ask questions and you can explain to me what I just said.
  • Very good question, Sam. But would you mind asking it again, only using smaller words.

They’re fun. Try your own!

Reach out. Share your enthusiasm for the Quayle campaign with those you know. Recruit your agent and/or manager. Send position papers to friends back in Cambridge still working on the Harvard Lampoon. Or mail bumper stickers to your family back in Canada. Every supporter helps!

Restraint. If our dream is to be realized, we must hold back our best Dan Quayle jokes until he is sworn in on January 20, 2001. With your help, that will be the first day of a joke writing bonanza that will last for millenniums to come!

Yours in mirth,

Rupert T. Pumfkin

Executive Director

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CAUTION: Contents extremely dated

Highlights from Next Year's News 1995

Nobody translates current events into compelling programming like CNN. Quicker than Wall Street spreads a rumor, CNN can add a snappy title and soaring soundtrack to breaking news. As a result, CNN's next hit show can be racing 'round the world while Sam Donaldson is still lacing up his hair.

1995 brought hit programs like The O.J. Trial, Terror in the Heartland. Tonya, The Brothers Menendez and the epic California disaster series, among others. But when pressed, CNN programming executives admit most of these practically fell into their hands. That raises serious questions about the network's future ability to compete in the Infotainment Age. After all, CNN can hardly expect Jack Kavorkian, MD to linger on forever.

So it was with a sense of triumph that the whiz kids down in programming announced CNN's provocative and proactive schedule for this upcoming season.

Here are highlights of next year's news:

Northeastern Exposure. Fish-out-of-water dramedy about a gang of arrogant urban Washington wonks seeking the GOP presidential nomination in the rural hinterlands of New Hampshire. It's red meat rhetoric and red flannel shirts!

NRA Blue. Action/drama. Militia groups and House Republicans join forces to fight a common enemy: those jackbooted fascists from the U.S. Forest Service. When it comes to great TV action, the Second Amendment is second to none!

White House Lawn Patrol! Real-life action series in the tradition of "Cops." Are the fence jumpers dangerous lunatics trying to get in or senior staffers trying to get out?

Newt Gingrich's Contract with Canada. A zealous House Speaker attempts to go international. Can he succeed where Lenin failed and export the revolution? He's over the border and into your heart!

H. Ross Perot Comedy Hour. The on-again, off-again variety side-show that only airs if enough people sign those petitions. The "H" stands for hilarious!

CaNN. California News Network. While producers are tightlipped about what disasters they have left in their bag of tricks, they promise a ratings "meltdown." Stay tuned.

The Joe Namath Espionage Hearings. The highest form of flattery and inevitable sequel to The O.J. Trial. Plot line: handsome athlete-turned-pitchman uses ties to Nobody Beats the Wiz electronics chain to channel sensitive nuclear timing devices to third world terrorists. For Broadway Joe, now the world's a stage! Dick Butkus co-stars as the lackey and introducing Trevor "Tic Tac" Conrad as the huggable house guest. Arraignment begins September 10th.

BosniaWatch. A CNN-NATO joint venture. Every week, another daring rescue of downed fighter pilots stranded in war-torn Bosnia and the fanfare that follows. David Hasselhoff hosts and sings title song, Don't Cry For Me, Sarajevo.

The Extreme Comedy Hour: CNN's belated entry into the sitcom arena features back-to-back comedies about right-wingers running for president:

What About Bob? Based on the movie of the same name, "Bob" is now a deeply disturbed psychiatric patient who hears voices telling him to run for president. Bob Dornan stars.

Can't Stand Pat. A xenophobic talk show host hates overwhelming majority of Americans but still addresses everyone he meets as "my friend."

Larry King and Connie Chung Live! Familiar program with new co-host format. Can't miss!

This Man's Army. Producer Aaron Spelling explores the gays-in-the-military issue with an ensemble cast set at southern Florida's hottest army base. It's your Uncle Sam as you've never seen him!

The Susan Smith Story. Combines similar plot elements of The Brothers Menendez with the spurned lover theme that made "Buttafucco" a household name. As a story it’s tragic, but as programming its brilliant. If Susan Smith didn’t exist, Dateline NBC would have to invent her!

Operation Wolf Blitzer. CNN-Pentagon joint venture. A series of unannounced tactical military strikes into small, annoying countries. Bet they cry Uncle! Look for it in the November sweeps.

Mid-season replacement: The Trials of Greta and Roger. He's a slicked-back former prosecutor from LA. She's a bookish DC defense attorney with an adorable underbite. Can they make love work via satellite? Roger Cossack and Greta Van Susteren co-star.

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April Fool Me Once

It was such good news that the President wondered if his lawyer was playing an April Fool’s day joke on him. --New York Times, 4/2/98

1 April 1998 6:35 AM

The phone on the first couple’s nightstand announced the new day like a starter’s pistol. Hillary, already awake and thinking about NATO expansion, quickly reached over her sleeping husband to answer it before it could ring a second time.
"Hello?," she answered in a throaty whisper.
"Mrs. Clinton, forgive me for calling so early but I must speak to the President."
"Just a minute, Alan."
She woke her husband. "It’s Greenspan. He sounds serious." The President put the phone to his ear and mumbled an unintelligible noise.
"Mr. President, I am sorry to tell you this but.....I’ve had another offer."
"Cuba. They’ve asked me to run their economy. The Pope cut the deal before his trip got cut short by a media evacuation. He said if Fidel was willing to get serious about runaway inflation, the Vatican will sell him that Popemobile he’s always wanted."
The president was now wide awake. "You’re leaving to run the Cuban Federal Reserve? Seriously?
"I start manyana.."
"This is terrible! Wall Street will have a cow when they find out! Just when they were ready to hit 9000!"
"Wall Street already knows. The world knows. It’s on the front page of all the papers."
"Oh my God! The boom is over! Poor Al Gore! Hillary, where’s the papers? Let me see that.....Just some stuff about the tobacco deal.....Highway bill..... Teletubbies? What’s that? Hey, there’s nothing here about you."
"Are you kidding me? What’s the date on the paper you’re reading?"
"Wednesday, April one."
Long pause.
"April One. Isn’t’ that......APRIL’S FOOLS!" Greenspan exploded in laughter.
The President’s face turned an angry shade of red. "You’re gonna pay for this, Greenspan." he seethed, and then suddenly solicitous, continued. "Just kidding, Mr. Chairman. Thank you for calling."

9:08 AM
The National Security Briefing had come to an end when long-time confidante Bruce Lindsey pulled the President aside. "Mr. President, there is something I think you ought to know. And I wanted you to hear it from me.
"Don’t sound so serious, Bruce. You’re scaring me."
"I’ve decided to cooperate with Ken Starr. He’s not such a bad guy after all. I’m going to tell him everything I know."
"It gets worse. I’ve been wearing a wire since the middle of the first term.
"You’ve been wearing a wire?
"Would you mind repeating that a little closer to my lapel?"
"You’ve been recording our conversations!! Our confidential, lawyer-client, executive privileged conversations!! You mean those conversations?
"Listen for yourself." Lindsey pulls out a mini-cassette recorder and hits the play button. The machine emits Lindsey’s voice blaring: "APRIL’S FOOL’S! AHHH! KENNETH STARR CAN SUBPOENA MY....

A loud thud drowned out the rest of the recording. Upon regaining consciousness, the President scolded Lindsey but within minutes, the two had re-cemented their relationship with a quick game of Hearts.

10:23 AM
The Secretary of State approached the President’s desk and did not begin speaking until a long moment passed. "Mr. President, a piece of information has come to my attention that concerns you personally."
"Go on, Madeline."
"While preparing background material for your next trip to Europe, we discovered something about your past. Your maternal great-great grandmother was the only daughter of the grand rabbi of Dublin. Because Jewish law dictates that the religion of a child a passed down maternally, that makes you Jewish.
"Get out. I’m Jewish?
"Well, yes. You are Jewish."
"Mr. President, I think this explains why you don’t get along with Bibi Netanyahu. Jews never agree on anything."
"That makes sense."
"There ‘s a lot you need to learn," the Secretary continued. "The Jewish culture is rich in tradition."
"Yes, I know. Bob Rubin won’t stop talking about it."
"The Jewish year operates on a lunar calendar. A different year. Different months. Different holidays. For example, do you know that on the Hebrew calendar, there is no April Fool’s Day."
"Is that right?.......Oh, no. Madeline, don’t tell me..."
"April Fool’s, Mr. President!"
"Oy vey is mir.........Whatever that means!"

12:21 PM
The President had just completed signing a pardon for a New York City jaywalker when his secretary entered the office. "Mr. President, William Ginsberg is here to see you."
"William Ginsberg? Who cleared him in?
"I did."
"Betty, we talked about this."
Ginsberg stuck his coifed face through the door. "Forgive me for barging in, Mr. President but I have something important to tell you."
"This is highly unusual, counselor."
"Indeed it is. And so is what I came here to tell you. And I wanted you to hear it directly from me, not from me on Geraldo, Larry King, Charles Grodin or from me on Imus.
"I’m listening."
"My client just revealed to me she’s also under the opinion she’s had a close personal relationship with Boris Yeltsin.
"And Haffaz el-Assad. Of course they’ve both denied it. But my client has already sold the story to the World Weekly News for $850,000."
"Oh, my God."
"Yes, and it will appear in their April 1st issue."
"That’s today!"
"And you know what today is, don’t you Mr. President?"
"It’s.....APRIL FOOL’S!"

2:25 PM
Betty Curry’s voice came over the speaker on the president’s desk. "Mr. President, Lani Guinier is on the line for you."
"Lani? I haven’s spoken to her in forever. Put her through!....Lani, how are you!"
"Upset. I can’t keep quiet any longer."
"Quiet about what?"
"About us. About what happened the night they passed Nafta."
"The night they passed Nafta? What happened the night they passed Nafta?
" ‘We’ happened, Bill. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since."
"Lani, what on earth are you talking about?
"I’m talking about the single greatest night of my life."
"Was I there?"
"You’re so funny. Don’t you remember telling me how much I meant to you?
"And do you remember what I told you?"
"Damn it. Lani. You nearly gave me a heart attack."
"OK, but now we’re even. Right?"

3:56 PM
"Mr. President, you have a call from Bob Bennett. He sounds excited. I think he’s got good news about the Paula Jones case."

"Sure he does. Put him through."

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