The Late Show with David Letterman
"From New York
...where criminals still take the time to make house calls
...Hey! Wheres my car?
...where the streets are paved with Gold Bond Anti-Itch Medicated Powder
...Whats it to you, ass face?
...where that and four bucks will get you a Snapple
...where violent crime is down for the third day in a row!
...where the Old York used to be until we kicked its freakin ass
...four pitchforks -- Satans highest rating! --
"Its The Late Show with David Letterman!
"NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, GENERAL john SHALIKASHVILI......FROM THE LAW FIRM OF JACOBY & MEYERS, JACOBY.......AND Musical guestS, SPASTIC COLON....Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra!
...a man who keeps a condiment in his wallet in case he gets lucky
...the official character witness for the Dallas Cowboys
...a man who gave the best damn years of his life to Amway
...the man TV Guide hails as "the White Urkel"
...a man who gives and gives and gives some more
...the one dentist out of five who recommends sugared gum for his patients who chew gum
...living proof that Bonnie Franklin and Alfred E. Neuman were more than just "friends"
SEGMENT IDEAS (& OTHER STRAY THOUGHTS)
A Late Show contest to decide what the big catchphrase of 1998 will be. Each week, Dave presents audience with five catchphrase nominees -- invented, submitted or otherwise assembled -- and takes a vote to determine their favorite.
Week One Catchphrase nominees might be:
1. Flap me a jack, Mahatma!
2. Ill have that on rye!
3. Par lez vous English?
4. Yea. Tell it to Lee Iacoccoa.
5. Yum-num-num. Thats ding-dang-dilly-icious!!
The next week, another five are presented. After a month, each weeks winning catchphrase nominees advance to the next round and compete against each other in audience votes. The winning catchphrase is used and promoted on air and sent off to make its mark upon the lexicon of popular culture, courtesy The Late Show.
The Montel Williams Switch-er-oo
One night, Dave and Montel switch studios and hosting jobs. Montels guests: Tori Spelling, Mandy Patankin and Viewer Mail. Daves topic: "Teenage Runaway Makeovers."
Show switches back between Dave and Montel segments.
Just How Good Is The CBS Orchestra?
Paul casually claims that the CBS Orchestra is so good, they can play with their arms tied behind their back. Dave issues the challenge. Paul & the band perform the rest of the night as best they can, with one-handed keyboards and drums, and two people per guitar and brass instruments.
Daves Stray Thoughts
Dave is conducting a listless interview with Tony Randall, Regis, Richard Simmons or another expendable guest. We see him starting to lose interest in the conversation. Switch to POV Dave. We hear him asking himself questions as he zones in and out of the conversation. There are intermittent switches back to normal camera shots of interview as it unfolds.
"Damn. What I wouldnt give for a cheese danish right now!"
"You know something -- and I dont mind saying it -- that ?Anton is one handsome man!"
"Ive been through the Warren Commission Report a thousand ?times. Theres no way Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone!"
"Oh, that reminds me. Time to move the body under my shed."
"This guy couldnt get himself booked on Jerry Springer. ?Jeez, I really must be slipping."
"Ooch.....So help me God, I will never purchase undergarments ?from a street vendor again."
CBS Orchestras Pop-Up Video
An MTV-style video of a sappy, over-produced power ballad performed by Paul & the CBS Orchestra, with additional fun-fact bubbles that appear throughout, al a VH-1 Pop-Up Video.
Sample pop-up factoids:
- Paul actually has a full head of hair but shaves his scalp every day
- Steve went to trumpet school after several ill-fated attempts to draw Zippy the Turtle.
- Paul wrote this song as he was coming down off a sugar high.
...Since rehab, he only uses Sweet & Low.
- With no traditional musical instruments available at the moment, Paul banged out the tune with his armpits as his only instrument.
- America first came to know Anton Fig as a member of the Village People.
...His costume was the Insurance Claims Representative.
Hey! I Know That Guy!
Dave and Paul are engaged in conversation when the face of an audience member appears on screen. Dave stops his conversation with a double take. "Hey, let me see that guy again. Yea, him. Yea! I think I know that guy!"
Sir, have we ever met before?
No I dont believe so.
Are you sure? Are you from Indiana? Did you attend Ball ???State? Are you a Connecticut State Trooper?
Man, you look familiar. This is driving me nuts!
Im very sorry to bother you, sir. Anyway, Paul. As I ???was saying.....
Dissolve to War-torn Europe in W.W.II. Dave is a German frau serving drinks to Nazis in a beer hall, dressed like the Saint Paulie Girl. He is approached by familiar guy, wearing an SS uniform.
Beer wench! Mach brau!
Are you crazy? We can't talk in public. Just
leave the ?papers in the beer mug and I'll deliver ??them to my contact in the American underground.
I can't. They are on to us. The SS is coming for you ???at the end of your shift. Listen to me carefully: on your ??next break, go ?out behind the kitchen for a cigarette. Look ??for a man wearing mismatched socks. He'll take you to the ??border and deliver you to the 181st Division, You'll be in ??London in 36 hours. Now go, dammit. It's your only chance!
Go, damn you! Go!
You've saved my life! I swear, I'll never forget you!
Dissolve back in to Dave at desk
Im sorry to bother you again sir, but have you ever ???been to the Berchben Tavern just north of Hamburg?
See Paul, I knew I knew that guy!
Dave returns to conversation with Paul.
Top 10 Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Nuts
10. Refers to rival football team as the "Viet Cong."
9. Neighborhood cats mysteriously disappear the week before tennis tryouts.
8. Archery is played skins versus shirts.
7. He secretly replaces football teams bucket of Gatorade with Folgers Freeze-Dried Crystals.
6. Repeatedly confuses the word "students with "hostages."
5. Organizes your class into makeshift militia unit to resist Presidents Physical Fitness Challenge.
4. On advice of counsel, School Board provides adult supervision for touch football.
3. Motivational locker room sign: "It doesnt matter if you win or lose -- just dont let them put you back in that Goddamn hole!"
2. Works with Home-Ec teacher to make tackling dummies anatomically correct.
1. The sport equipment closet: Kids check in --but they dont check out!
Top 10 Things Overheard On Our First Show Fifteen Years Ago
10. "Sit down, sir. Youll get your free soup after the show."
9. "Screw the ASPCA -- were doing the segment anyway!"
8. "I have an idea -- lets get the guy who does Ted Koppels hair!"
7. "Don Kirshners Rock Concert will not be seen tonight so NBC ?can bring you this special presentation...."
6. "No Mom, you cant be on the show. How desperate do you think I am?"
5. "How can Uncle Miltie be spinning in his grave? Hes not even dead yet!"
4. "OK, well do the Top 10 List -- but just this once. That ?bits gonna get real old, real fast."
3. "Sue Simmons doesnt even know Im alive."
2. "I dont give a rats ass about intellectual property. Just ?make sure the contract stipulates I get fresh fruit in my ?dressing room."
1. "Jeez, its like a sauna in here."
Top 10 Ways The Country Would Be Different If A Dog Were President
10. Paula Jones files multi-million dollar lawsuit over alleged ?leg humping incident
9. Surgeon General advocates fluoridated toilet water.
8. France and other snotty countries maintain current level of regard for America.
7. Emancipation Proclamation sets greyhounds free.
6. We hold these rights to be self-evident: life, liberty and ?the pursuit of Frisbees.
5. Promising to clean up corrupt political system, president ?goes on Larry King and gives himself a bath.
4. Dramatic spending increase in the war against fleas.
3. Unlike Kennedy and Clinton, this president chases tail ?without success.
2. More Americans than ever believe the First Lady is a bitch.
1. "Sniff my butt: no new taxes!"
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