November 24, 2002
The Would-Be Bachelor
By MARK KATZ
To: Mr. Mike Fleiss, Producer, "The Bachelor"
Dear Mr. Fleiss:
At the urging of many of my friends, who insist that I would be
perfect, I write to submit myself for your consideration as the
next available man on your hit series, "The Bachelor."
I am reluctant to mention the adjectives most often used to describe
me (chiseled, haunting, intimidating-yet-approachable), so instead
I enclose a recent photograph of me taken at this year's Latin Video
Music Awards. (Yes, many people have noted my striking resemblance
to Enrique Iglesias.) I have advanced degrees in high finance and
romantic French poetry, which I enjoy in the spare time that my
career as an international architect allows. In the course of this
jet-set life, I am well-noticed by the opposite sex, so choosing
quickly and decisively among the many lovelies who seek my affection
will be pas de problème. N'est ce pas?
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Dear Mike (may I call you Mike?):
Having not heard from you yet, I have taken the liberty of contacting
you again. I know you must sort through the credentials of many
qualified bachelors like myself. I encourage you to examine all
applicants with great care before reviewing my portfolio. That way,
we can all be certain that you have chosen the very best of the
I can tell from the understated quality of your non-responses
to my letters that you and I are two peas in a pod. You do not jump
at the first person who contacts you, even when you know he is the
right one, because you are more grounded than that. I respect and
admire that. When you and I meet, I have a hunch that together —
you as the producer and me as the bachelor — we will make
a great team. — Mark
Dear ABC Television Network:
In case a producer, Mike Fleiss, has tried to write me and that
letter got lost in the mail, please be advised that I am currently
in serious conversations with the producers of "X-treme Date"
and may or may not be available to appear on "The Bachelor."
cc: my agent
As I mentioned in the video message I left in the lobby of your
building, I am sure by now you have heard some of vicious lies being
spread about me by the producers at "Survivor," "American
Idol" and "NewsNight With Aaron Brown." But PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!! At the very least, let us meet
in person so I can explain my side of the stories. For now, let's
just say my past relationships with other producers have not worked
out as I would have hoped but somehow I just know that you and I
are different. If you care about me at all, you will write me back.
mike: i just read the life section of usa today. i guess the fact
that i am not your choice to be "the bachelor" can only
mean there is something really wrong with me. so tell me, mike:
what is so wrong with me? i don't know why you would hurt me in
ways that i would never, ever hurt you. mark
M — I know it's been a while since we talked but I want
you to know that I am completely over all that "stuff"
between us. I have found closure and I hope you can too. Except
to say this: if only we had met outside the confines of this silly,
hurtful game, I know in my heart that I would have been your bachelor.
But, alas, the gods of fate deemed otherwise for reasons we can
never know. I guess you and I will just have to live with that for
the rest of our lives. It's just so very sad.
Always and forever, m.
Mark Katz, a speechwriter, was published most recently
in ‘‘More Mirth of a Nation,’’ an anthology
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