November 24, 2002

The Would-Be Bachelor



To: Mr. Mike Fleiss, Producer, "The Bachelor"

Dear Mr. Fleiss:

At the urging of many of my friends, who insist that I would be perfect, I write to submit myself for your consideration as the next available man on your hit series, "The Bachelor."

I am reluctant to mention the adjectives most often used to describe me (chiseled, haunting, intimidating-yet-approachable), so instead I enclose a recent photograph of me taken at this year's Latin Video Music Awards. (Yes, many people have noted my striking resemblance to Enrique Iglesias.) I have advanced degrees in high finance and romantic French poetry, which I enjoy in the spare time that my career as an international architect allows. In the course of this jet-set life, I am well-noticed by the opposite sex, so choosing quickly and decisively among the many lovelies who seek my affection will be pas de problème. N'est ce pas?

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Mark Katz

Dear Mike (may I call you Mike?):

Having not heard from you yet, I have taken the liberty of contacting you again. I know you must sort through the credentials of many qualified bachelors like myself. I encourage you to examine all applicants with great care before reviewing my portfolio. That way, we can all be certain that you have chosen the very best of the best.


Mark Katz

Dear Mike:

I can tell from the understated quality of your non-responses to my letters that you and I are two peas in a pod. You do not jump at the first person who contacts you, even when you know he is the right one, because you are more grounded than that. I respect and admire that. When you and I meet, I have a hunch that together — you as the producer and me as the bachelor — we will make a great team. — Mark

Dear ABC Television Network:

In case a producer, Mike Fleiss, has tried to write me and that letter got lost in the mail, please be advised that I am currently in serious conversations with the producers of "X-treme Date" and may or may not be available to appear on "The Bachelor."


Mark Katz

cc: my agent


As I mentioned in the video message I left in the lobby of your building, I am sure by now you have heard some of vicious lies being spread about me by the producers at "Survivor," "American Idol" and "NewsNight With Aaron Brown." But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!! At the very least, let us meet in person so I can explain my side of the stories. For now, let's just say my past relationships with other producers have not worked out as I would have hoped but somehow I just know that you and I are different. If you care about me at all, you will write me back. Soon.

mike: i just read the life section of usa today. i guess the fact that i am not your choice to be "the bachelor" can only mean there is something really wrong with me. so tell me, mike: what is so wrong with me? i don't know why you would hurt me in ways that i would never, ever hurt you. mark

M — I know it's been a while since we talked but I want you to know that I am completely over all that "stuff" between us. I have found closure and I hope you can too. Except to say this: if only we had met outside the confines of this silly, hurtful game, I know in my heart that I would have been your bachelor. But, alas, the gods of fate deemed otherwise for reasons we can never know. I guess you and I will just have to live with that for the rest of our lives. It's just so very sad.

Always and forever, m.

Mark Katz, a speechwriter, was published most recently in ‘‘More Mirth of a Nation,’’ an anthology of humor.

Back To Top