B

Bacchus
Roman god of wine and revelry

Hello my name is Bacchus -- and I'm an alcoholic.

Bach, Johann Sebastian
classical composer

Bach Unfugued
--best selling CD

Bannister, Roger
runner

And now I will hard boil an egg in under three minutes.
--announcing his second record-breaking endeavor. 

Baptist, John the
early Christian

Rinse. Repeat if necessary

Barnum, P.T.
showman

That’s no bearded lady. That’s my wife! 

Beethoven, Ludwig van
composer

I never listen to critics.

Bell, Alexander Graham
scientist and inventor

Mr. Watson. Come here. I want you. Bad!
--inventing phone sex

Bennett, Tony
singer

Say, any of you youngsters want to have a rap session?
--hosting MTV Beach House

Berra, Lawrence (Yogi)
baseball player

Surely you jest. These so-called "Yogisms" are archetypal examples of absurdist non-sequiturs.
--denying authorship

Birdseye, Clarence
food pioneer

I wish to be frozen in a light cream sauce.
--last will and testament

Bloomfeld, Harry D.D.S.
renegade dentist

I recommend sugared gum for my patients who chew gum.
--sole dissenter among five for chewing gum questionnaire

Bond, James
British secret agent

I'd like to apply for a permit to kill.
--age 16

Booth, John Wilkes
actor/assassin

Boyardee, Chef
culinary of canned goods

With the spaghettios, I'd recommend something with more body. I have a precocious Fruit Juicy Red 1982.

Bozo
television clown

No Geraldos!
--lapel pin

Do you have these in a forty-two and a half?
--inquiry to shoe clerk

Brando, Marlon
actor

One day, I’m gonna be bigger than Orson Welles.
--career prediction

Braun, Eva
Mrs. Adolf Hitler

I can't stand his mustache but I don’t dare tell him.
--secret diary

Sorry we couldn't invite you to the wedding but it was a very small bunker.
--letter to close friends and relatives

Brezhnev, Leonid
Soviet leader

Does this gray tie go with this gray suit?
--picking out daily outfit

Buchanan, Pat
GOP Presidential candidate

Mein Kampaign
--1992 convention speech

Burton, Richard
actor

Darling, is that all you're eating?
-- at dinner with fiancé Liz Taylor

Why don't you have a salad, dear?
--at dinner with wife Liz Taylor

Bush, George H. W.
41st U.S. President

I’ya, you betcha -- well heck yeah! -- sure do
--marriage vow to wife Barbara.

Buttafuoco, Joey
star-crossed lover

We'll always have Massapequa.
--tearful farewell with Amy Fisher

see also: Fisher, Amy